The most bizarre things appear when you cruise your SPAM filter.
I am cooking the State Dinner at Pennsic this year and some of the emails appeared to have gone missing so I cracked open my SPAM folder to see if they had gone astray.
In short, yes, they had but that wasn’t what caught my eye. What grabbed my attention was the sheer volume and variety of the items offered to me via email.
There were 59 emails from assorted Nigerian princes, Iraqi government officials, FBI Agents and World Bank operatives offering me upwards of half a million dollars if I could only front them the overnight fees via prepaid debit cards. What an amazing offer!
The next that grabbed my eye were the women who requested that I STOP! sending them nude photos! Now!
There were fifteen woman claiming I had done so. FIFTEEN!
As an openly gay man, I can unequivocally state that I have never, EVER knowingly sent naked pictures to any woman, anywhere on the planet. EVER!
According to Vanessa E.J firstname.lastname@example.org, I am a stalker!
Stop stalking me and my friend or I will report you. You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche. I do not know why you are doing this! You slept together once, only once. It does not mean anything. Have not you heard of hook up?
So, f*** off and leave us alone”
I repeat, I am as queer as a three dollar bill and have never slept with a woman.
Despite that, some of my correspondents are determined that I just haven’t found the right way to turn on women.
Desire_System email@example.com is convinced that I want to watch:
“Doctor Makes Woman Physically Horny (On Camera!)
How to manipulate her horniness neuron!”
As all of these woman thought I wanted them, I was astounded by the sheer number of male “enhancement” ads I had also received. I was offered everything from cut-rate Viagara (yes, that is how they spelled it.) to every supplement imaginable and ALL were guaranteed to make me able to pound nails with my manhood if I wished!
Add to those the very odd and disconcerting adds offering to FINANCE male enhancement surgery. If I wasn’t satisfied with my Willie (WHICH I AM!), I could add to it at only $3,000 per inch at 8% financing over seven years. Through Wells Fargo! Or so they said…
The most disturbing emails were not the ones directed to me.
Somehow, my CAT, Fubar, was receiving offers as well!
Quite a few horny Asian women wanted him to climb into their bed. Rather graphic offers of what the women wanted to do with him were downright disturbing! They guaranteed they could make him horny and happy!
Some even wanted to MARRY him.
TOO BAD HE’S FIXED, BIOTCH!
Oh, yeah, I found the missing recipe.
NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!
Chicken Honey Tart
Chicken, 3 lbs.
Dates, 1/2 lb.
Raisins, 1/2 lb.
Dried Apples, 1/2 lb.
Honey, 8 oz.
Water, 1 qt.
Kosher flake salt, 3 oz.
- Make your best pie crust and set aside to rest.
- Debone the chicken and coat liberally with salt. Refrigerate for at least two hours.
- In a saucepan, place the honey and fruit and simmer on allow to marinate.
- Add spices to taste. It is important that the peppercorns be freshly ground for flavoring.
- Add the water and add a low flame.
- Shred the chicken and add to the mixture and cook for ten minutes.
- Remove from flame.
- Roll out the dough and cut into six inch squares.
- Place on cooking sheets covered with baker’s paper.
- Separate the eggs yolks and discard the rest.
- Stuff the tarts with chicken mixture and seal.
- Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.
- Place the tarts in the oven and bake 20 minutes.
- Whip the eggs and coat the tarts with the mixture.
- Place the tarts back in the oven until golden brown.
- Makes 12-15 tarts.
Copyright 2017 Micheal J. Hobbs