(Sometime in the mid ‘70’s) My mother always had very strong ideas on euthanasia. At the drop of a hat, she would describe her views at length in the most inappropriate situations. “They should have turned off that respirator a month ago.” I heard her say at a funeral. “Who wants tubes keeping them alive?”…
So You Lived In A Haunted House?
The question might surprise a lot of people but how do you know when you live in a haunted house? In my case, my parents moved out the country so that my Dad could try to curtail come of my mother’s extramarital activities when I was 6. The house has been built in 1886 and…
The Worst Halloween Costume Ever!
I have seen a lot of great (and not so great) Halloween costumes over the years. Storm troopers? Check! Cinderella? Check! Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? Check! Checkcheckcheckcheckcheckcheckcheck! Last Tuesday was Halloween as well as Beggar’s Night. In our neighborhood depending on the weather, we get anywhere from two to two hundred trick or…
Great Danes and Wasabi do not mix
I love sushi. I mean, I REALLY love sushi! There is nothing better when you have a craving than a Dragon Roll dipped in some quality soy mixed with fresh wasabi. And my favorite has to be the shrimp rolls My favorite place to go is probably Watami. They are kind of run of the…
Healthy? Riiiiiiiiiight!
There’s a reason healthy eating gets a bad rap from foodies… Because it deserves it. I am aware that makes me sound like an ass, but it is just the truth. Need proof? Okay. The other night I swung by Aldi’s to do some quick shopping. Don’t know Aldi’s??! Come on…! Aldi’s is like the…
Look At The Pretty Colors!!!
Ever Had A “Magic” Eating Experience?
Putting The Road in “Road Trip”
Ever had to cook for a party literally on the way there? I have.
Llewellyn? Oh, He’s Fictional…
Have you ever had someone tell you one of your own stories? Let me put that another way: Have you ever had someone tell you one of your own stories – BADLY? Yup, it happened to me! Attached is the link of me telling the story. I would really appreciate your feedback: Thank, Cerian!
How The Hell Do You Get Negative Flavor?
Have you ever eaten something you truly regret eating? Liver, of course, but I mean something supposedly actually edible. I have had a lot of bad meals but none that I could truly say affected the universe around me in such a bad way as to call down the wrath of the gods until, well,…
The Buffet in Hell: Thanksgiving Edition!
I asked my friend for suggestions for the Buffet in Hell for Thanksgiving and I was given a plethora of choices.
Working on a murder mystery!
Here is the start of the murder mystery that I am working on! Tell me what you think… The knife sliced into its victim with speed and precision. Zip! Zip! Zip! Life juices poured out and down. The murderer leaned in again for another attack. Zip! Zip! Zip! His victim lay still. Satisfied that the…
Are You Sure We Ordered That?
I REEEEEEAAAAAALLLLLY need to check the order tickets at restaurants more often.
Feeling A Bit Crabby?
I don’t know about you but I LOVE crab! I mean, let’s face it – it is poor man’s lobster. You can boil it, broil it, fry it, quiche it, sautee it, barbecue it, and even roast it. You can make crab cakes, fettucini, cocktails, seafood salad, crab chowder, crab quiche, crab bites and even…
You Bought A What?
How many of you have been to an auction? I am not talking about some quiet little charity thing where everyone politely writes down a bid on a piece of paper and the bids are announced over dinner. I am talking about a loud, rancorous, jam-packed explosion of noise and people with a star running…
Let’s Welcome to the Stagelights…
Covid-19 has me really, really freaking out from cabin fever. I just want to see my friends. I want to hug them. Better yet, I want to cook for them. I know it sounds weird, but I really, really need to cook for people. I thought I was some kind of psychotic but then my…
The Buffet in Hell — Election Edition
Yeah, I know there was an election this past week but I have something more important going on. I am fat… or so the doctor tells me… GRRRRRRR! I hate dieting. Let me repeat that… I HATE dieting. I mean I know I have to cut down on my cholesterol and fat intake but the…
The Ball-less Wonder (or I Really Gotta Watch My Mouth Once In A While)
Well, I did it again… I got a standing ovation while standing in a line at a superstore. It could have gone either way…I either get punched or I get applause. Luckily, I got applause. I was not having a very good day. The previous day I had totalled my car and I hurt. On…
How to Make Chicken Flavored Glue
Every cook does it. They just won’t admit it. Every cooks cheats on occasion. Some use canned spaghetti sauce. “I can take this jar of Ragu and make it taste exactly like what my mother used to make! Of course you can, IF YOUR MOTHER USED RAGU!!! Some use Velveeta when they make their mac…
Food! Glorious Food!
When is the last time you had to carve soup with a knife? Sometimes, you make the best tasting concoctions purely by accident. Seriously, I have known culinary masterpieces to come out of nowhere. Dinner last Thursday is an example. My husband is a fantastic baker, a truly amazing baker, but he is not known…
Dysshing Up The Pandemic!
There are many things I expected to be stuck with while the stay at home orders were in effect. Strawberries were not one of them. Ramen, yes. Strawberries, no. Two gallons of them actually. They were the result of a Costco pandemic buying trip on the way home from the office shutdown. Anyone else out…
BACON! BACON! BACON!
With the pandemic and social distancing still on, shopping has been anything but easy. For instance, I have NEVER ever seen the meat case at Costco completely empty before. I am not talking less variety than normal. I mean completely empty of all fresh meat… No ground beef. No fresh chicken. No pork roast. Nada….
Recipe for the Apocalypse
Those of you who know me know that when I cook, I cook a lot. Not just a lot. A LOT! Being a former caterer and a Master Cook in the SCA, it is sort of expected. The standing joke is that I have enough food in my fridge to feed an entire Boy Scout…
The Golden Hoard
Pande-fricking-monium! There I said it! That is what it has been like trying to shop this week after the panic caused by governmental incompetence. All I wanted was some fricking rice and it was sold out everywhere. Kroger? Nope. Needler’s? Nope. Aldi’s? Nope, again. Three strikes – you’re out! Guess where I finally found it?…
WHERE was that snake again?
I am sure by now that most of you have seen the news reports on those people from Alabama, I think, and their smoking nasty grill. You haven’t? Come on… You have not seen the news reports of the couple who started up their grill only to find that a very large snake had coiled…
Is it Chili in Here?
Super Bowl time!
What The Tur-F*@kin? aka The Buffet In Hell: Pringles Edition
I know a lot of you saw the ads online. I know because half of you all seemed to have copied the links to Facebook and clogged my feed for a good 24 hours. “Pringles Announces New Turducken Flavored Pringles!” What the hell? They can’t be serious…but they were! Billed as a way of avoiding…
Satan’s Favorite Drive Through
For those of you who have been wondering where I have been of late, let’s just say life has been interesting. So, my Dad was in the hospital. And, those of you who know my Dad know that he likes Arby’s. Well, maybe like is not the right word. Try “loves”. Better yet – “LOVES”….
The Revenge of Floyd the Pig!
Enough already! Yes, I know there is more to the story of Floyd the Pig but I was trying to be CLEAN! OKAY?!? Yes, I know some of you have heard more of the story but I was trying to be good. Ooooooookay! Here it is. “The Revenge of Floyd the Pig” The dinner had…
You’re Gonna Have To Pry That Bagel From My Cold Dead Hands!
This may sound a little morbid, but lately circumstances have had me wondering what I would like for my last meal. How appetizing, right? Let me explain. As a few of you know, we lost our Giant Schnauzer Apollo last week. He was a great dog with one really annoying habit. You see, Apollo really…
I Will Have the Jeffrey Dahmer Special with a side of deep-fried Sweeney!
Being a cook means you get to spend a lot of time in other people’s kitchens. A lot of QUALITY time. However… Some people have odd taste in decorating. Take the signs people keep in their kitchens for instance. There are the ones you expect to see: “Wash Hands Before Preparing Food” And, the tacky…
What The Hell Is In This?
All cooks do it whether they admit it or not. You hate to throw out food. I know I do. Any time my husband opens the refrigerator and starts complaining about how full it is, I simply hold my breath, refuse to answer and hope he moves along as quickly as possible to the next…
Why Did The Chicken Cross the Road?
This story could also be subtitled: “Why is that chicken on fire?” You may or may not know it but my brother could never be described as the sharpest tack in the shed. I mean, you expect a teenager to have the occasional accident… Or, get caught experimenting with marijuana… Maybe even piss off the…
Honey, You Better Hide That From The Cops!
When cooking, you expect a lot of questions. “What is this?” Simple but to the point. “Is this Kosher?” Oops. “Was there dairy in this?” It is butter cream frosting after all. Even “What was that Best By date again?” Do you really want to know this? You do not expect, however, to be accused…
Is This Supposed to Crunch?
Okay, I admit it. Every cook has one. A dark culinary secret that they hide away to keep people from laughing at them. Some cooks buy frosting. Some served canned soup. Others, well… me,…oh… well, I sometimes use a box mix when making something that is not normally on my agenda. Usually, dinner turns out…
Guess Who Got A Standing Ovation At Walmart?
Soooooo… My husband, Jim, was trying to make lemon balls for a Christmas party we were invited to and he ran out of mix so guess who got sent out for a box of mix? Yup. Me. Or to ask it another way, guess who got sent out at 8 p.m. on Christmas Eve looking…
The Holiday Epidemic We Are All Ignoring – To Our Peril!
You better watch out or it will get you!
Hey, F**ckwad! Want Dressing With That E Coli Outbreak?
By now, most of you have heard that the Food and Drug Administration and the CDC have asked all restaurants and groceries to throw out all romaine lettuce products due to the nationwide e. coli outbreak, right? In short, the government says if you do not know where that leafy green pile came from, throw…
The Buffet In Hell: Halloween Edition
Tonight is Halloween and it is time for another edition of The Buffet In Hell! What additional food item will be enjoyed this night by Adolf Hitler and his fellow losers in Hell? Is it Spam? Nasty but no. Maybe tripe? Gross but it can be made edible. Pho, anyone? Corn smut? While its native…
Red Rover, Red Rover…
As some of you are aware, my husband talked me into a Great Dane puppy recently. Meet Zeus. Ten months old and 170 lbs. Also known as He Who Must Destroy All in His Wake. Seriously. Give ya an example: Have you ever seen how a kitchen looks after a Great Dane puppy has eaten…
All Things Must Pass…
Somehow I allowed my husband to talk me into a Great Dane puppy. Meet Zeus! He is nine months old and now weighs 160 lbs. AND…he thinks he is a lapdog. This is a dog whose tail causes not only whiplash but also severe testicle tap as well. Oh, he can also turn on the…
Widd or Widdout?
People in Philadelphia have VERY strong opinions about their cheesesteaks. I have actually seen people decide not to date someone because of their cheesesteak choices. Seriously. Geno’s has its defenders. But then so does Jim’s Cheesesteaks. And, of course, there is always Ishkabibble’s But any one of them is a trap. A trap! I tell…
Hitler Was A Liar! Hitler Was A Liar!
Adolf Hitler was a sadistic, genocidal maniac. No question of it. None whatsoever! So why am I writing about him? Especially in a column devoted to food? Because I am sick and tired of those alt-right sonofabitches trying to say he had anything approaching a redeeming quality. Oh, and he was food hypocrite! One of…
…And Then The Building Blew Up!
I’ll admit it. I am addicted. Yes, it is a guilty pleasure but an addiction is an addiction and must be professed and acted upon. Hello, my name is Mike and I am an addict. It has been 10 days since my last barbecue chicken wing from Rally’s. Deep breath. That’s a weight off my…
DAMN YOU COSTCO!!!!
Never shop at Costco during a blizzard! Sounds like a joke, right?!? Damn you to blazes, Costco! You ruined my New Year’s Resolution again! I swear I tried. But, you blew it away again! I promised the doctor I would lose weight. Twenty pounds to be exact. And, I was doing pretty well until —…
You Must Be Kidding Me!?!
Political correctness can go take a flying leap! Especially when it affects my cooking. There are many important things affecting the world today that you should be upset about: Poverty. War. Famine. Disease. My making a pot of pasta sauce is not one of them. Need I explain? Okay, I will One of my favorite…
The Buffet In Hell, Part The Second
There are many foods that you would expect on the buffet in Hell but only one is sure to jump out from a darkened alley and attack. You can smell it coming from a mile away. The Lunchroom Horror! Leafy Green Terror! The Slime Monster! RUNNNNNNNNN! IT’S GODZILLA VERSUS —- OKRA!!!!!!!!!!! Tokyo is doomed! Seriously,…
The Buffet In Hell, Part the First
Talk about a shitstorm … YEESH! You ask one stupid question online and you get swarmed. All I asked is “What one food would you expect to find on the buffet in hell?” and you would not believe the flack! I expected the answers would be simple. You know, like lima beans or raw oysters,…
Four Little Words That Lead to Hell
Everyone has their triggers. You know what I mean. The words that set them off. Their “hot buttons” if you will. They can be simple. “Stop!” They can be dramatic. “This is a stick-up!” They can be a let-down. “Have you met my husband?” They can even lead to a host of other questions. “I…
Walmart Really Is The Sixth Circle of Hell
So how does a tire change become a bad food story? Let me tell you… The Ford pickup had blown a tire and we had put the spare on, but my husband, Jim, didn’t like the idea of driving without a spare tire so it fell to me to get it fixed. With a snowstorm…
The Ballad of Floyd the Pig
Someone asked me to please retell this story – one of my favorites. I will warn you though -this is the CLEAN version! Anyone who wants the PG-13 version email me directly for the link. While this is not exactly a bad food tale, it came close. And, it does result from one of the…
Tell Me Again How To Get Cheese Out Of Chest Hair?
I am going to brag a little bit. I make kick-ass Mac andjkChese. I like nothing better than to sit back with a big bowl of hot, steamy macaroni and cheese and power watching “Red Dwarf”. And, at the end of a hard day, there really is nothing more comforting and relaxing. My coworkers […]…
When You Have An Epiphany
This is from my other blog but I thought all of you might like it as well. HUG http://talesfromanoldford.com/2022/05/31/a-crystal-epiphany/
My Life In Bad Food 