What Died In Here?

It’s the strongest spice known to man and most of you have never heard of it. Really – BUT you may have heard of some of its nicknames: Devil’s Breath. Corpse Flour. Bad Feet. Or, my personal favorite: Teenager’s Tennis Shoes. Seriously, it stinks. It’s official name is Asafeotidae. The name is a merger of…

He Said What?!?!?!

It is truly a wonderful thing that society is trying to be sensitive to the needs of others not like themselves but — Um, Take Two… There comes a time when trying to be sensitive to all possibilities becomes downright weird… Nope… Let me try that again… There are times when you just learn to…

Marinated Mammoth?

I am a bad man. I am a bad, bad man. Seriously, I am a bad, bad, bad man. Do you really need evidence? Okay. A couple of weeks ago I was teen-sitting. That is when they are too old to be babysat but too young to drive. My youngest godson, Jaime, and I were…

Butter Flavored Pooch?

There are many sounds you do not wish to hear when sleeping. Sirens. Glass breaking. Water dripping. Then, there is what happened to me last Thursday. Some nights you just want to sleep. Deep, dark and swimming in the nether.  Dreams come and go. Fantastical creatures swims by on their way to other adventures. The…

Why Is My CAT Getting SPAM?!?

The most bizarre things appear when you cruise your SPAM filter. I am cooking the State Dinner at Pennsic this year and some of the emails appeared to have gone missing so I cracked open my SPAM folder to see if they had gone astray. In short, yes, they had but that wasn’t what caught…

Paleo-what?

Why are people on trendy diets so goddamn smug? Seriously! Not that there’s anything wrong with being on a diet, mind you. I have done some of them myself – although my current waistline might disagree. What is it about these yuppified diets that makes people want to brag that not only are they fat…

Well, I Did It!

I tried out for the food Network. I have what can best be described as a blathering mouth. Enjoy!

The Great Cookie Battle

This is a story of WAR. Deep, dark no-holds-barred war. Let me put it another way Sometimes, you just feel pissy. You just have to have a fight. You know what I mean. There are times when no matter what is going on you just have to rip someone a new one. Puppies barking? SNAP!…

Do You Really Know What You Are Eating?

Or should I say “Do You Really WANT To Know What You Are Eating?” I hate surprises. I really hate surprises. I really, REALLY hate surprises! Culinary ones, that is. For example, I get cold chills when someone mentions a secret ingredient. Chicken gizzards hiding in that soup? Yup. Vinegar in that cherry pie? Yuuup….

The Dog Ate What?

It is really hard for my husband to surprise me. After all, I monitor the bank account like a hawk as we have been hacked a couple of times so I have a very annoying habit of saying things like “Did you really spend $45 bucks at Steak N’ Shake?” or “You ordered WHAT from…

So, The Jerry Springer Show Called…

There is nothing quite like a truly great milkshake. Come on…Admit it. Sitting in an easy chair sipping on a straw and relaxing with my feet up is how I used to spend many a relaxing evening. I have fallen asleep in the chair only to wake up when the glass tipped over and dripped…

Costco Ruined My New Year’s Resolution

Most people resolve to lose weight or to exercise more each New Year’s. Not Me. My New Year’s Resolution: Go to Costco and actually come home with ONLY the item I went there to get. Un-huhn… My resolution lasted exactly twenty-nine days… Here is how it happened. When I woke us this morning, there was…

Rocky Mountain WHAT?!?

Anthony Bourdain I ain’t. Seriously. I do not eat weird food just to eat weird food like he does. For example, I saw him  on TV eating deep-fried locusts… The guy ate BUGS! and he liked them! I have a moth fly accidentally into my mouth and I am coughing and barfing for 45 minutes…

Say “Ahhhhh!”

As some of you know, I have had surgery of late and have been a bit quiet in my writing. BUT never let it be said that my adventures in bad food are completed! As a matter of fact, it has even given me material for yet another bad food adventure. So, there I was…

BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks Stole My –

Can You Believe it? Seriously, Can You Believe It? How dare those Russian hackers do this? Is nothing sacred? MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gotcha! The complete title of this is “BREAKING NEWS: My Life In Bad Food: Wikileaks Stole My Risotto Recipe!” In the midst of one of the dirtiest elections in our nation’s history, Wikileaks released emails…

Mikey Had A Little Lamb

As some of you may know, I have a difficult relationship with lamb. I won’t make a secret of it. To me, lamb is greasy and normally has an aftertaste reminiscent of antifreeze. It’s not just that I have had a lot of bad lamb – and I have. Really, really bad lamb. It doesn’t…

Killer Coke?

Did I ever tell you about the time a Diet Coke tried to kill me? Seriously! I kid you not. Actually, soda has tried to kill me a couple of times…True ‘dat! The first time was a couple of years ago. I was driving through the southern part of Indianapolis in my old Kia Spectra….

Coconut Cream Schnauzer?

I may have a bit of a problem. Hello, My Name is Mike and I am a coconut cream pie addict. It has now been three days since my last piece. Seriously. I like nothing better than to slip into something more comfortable and to just dive in. HMMPH!  Soooooome people! I meant slide into…

Mike and the Magical Shoes

I blame my friend, Daniel del Cavallo, for this story: Getting old is a bitch. First, there was gout. Then, there was tendonitis. Now, there’s collapsed arches. No, I do not mean an abandoned McDonald’s. So, how does this become a bad food story? Let me explain. I was not able to volunteer for the…

Ever Played Russian Roulette?

I don’t know about you but I really, really hate it when someone messes in my kitchen. And I get really paranoid when it takes FOREVER to get things back to the way they were. Paranoid to the point of ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! Let me explain: My husband has just finished the most amazing makeover of our…

You Made HOW Much?

This is not quite a bad food story but it could have gone very wrong. Well, it actually did. But, then it didn’t. Let me explain: “Hey, Mike. Are you willing to bake bread for an event?” came over the phone. “Sure. how many loaves do you need?” I asked. “Fifty?” she asked. “Fifty? What…

Four Little Words That Lead to Hell

Everyone has their triggers. You know what I mean. The words that set them off. Their “hot buttons” if you will. They can be simple. “Stop!” They can be dramatic. “This is a stick-up!” They can be a let-down. “Have you met my husband?” They can even lead to a host of other questions. “I…

Twinkies Really Are The Only Food That Will Survive Nuclear War!

There is a tremendous difference between food that is bad tasting and food that has gone bad. I have a perfect example. Let’s just say that Dayton, Ohio dodged a huge bio-weapon. I was asked by a friend of mine to come and help clean out his cousin’s home who had passed away. Sure! I…

I Freaked Out the Lunch Lady?!?

All foodies have one: A Secret Shame. Your deepest darkest secret. The one item you crave despite yourself. You know you do. Just admit it. To my mind, fried liver belongs on the buffet table in hell. Same for lima beans and that jellied cranberry crap you get on Thanksgiving. But I have friends who…

Pride Goeth Before A Fall

First off, I apologize if I haven’t published anything for a while. Planning for SCA 50 Year is taking most of my free time right now. My Saturday nights are no longer my safe haven for writing. And Now: My recent adventure. Hubris can be one’s downfall. I should know – it happened to me….

Walmart Really Is The Sixth Circle of Hell

So how does a tire change become a bad food story? Let me tell you… The Ford pickup had blown a tire and we had put the spare on, but my husband, Jim, didn’t like the idea of driving without a spare tire so it fell to me to get it fixed. With a snowstorm…

There Are Better Ways to Make a First Impression…

This most recent bout of stomach flu has set me to thinking. Some people meet their boss during an interview. Others meet their boss during employee orientation. I once met mine by throwing up on her. Let me explain. I had been doing computer contracting work at a rather large corporation near my home. This was…

The Ballad of Floyd the Pig

Someone asked me to please retell this story – one of my favorites. I will warn you though -this is the CLEAN version! Anyone who wants the PG-13 version email me directly for the link. While this is not exactly a bad food tale, it came close. And, it does result from one of the…

Beware the Blob!

All of us think our Grandmother is the bomb BUT I KNOW mine is. Or was as the case may be. A few of you know this story. My Grandma Hobbs was one of the finest cooks I have ever had the pleasure to know. I swear she could take a bag of breadcrumbs, some…

Tell Me Again How To Get Cheese Out Of Chest Hair?

I am going to brag a little bit. I make kick-ass Mac and Cheese. I like nothing better than to sit back with a big bowl of hot, steamy macaroni and cheese and power watching “Red Dwarf”. And, at the end of a hard day, there really is nothing more comforting and relaxing. My coworkers…

Four And Twenty Blackbirds Baked In A Pie

We have all heard the nursery rhyme: Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye, Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie. When the pie was opened the birds began to sing, Oh wasn’t that a dainty dish to set before the king? The king was in his counting house counting out…

Maybe Harold and Kumar Had It Right

I’ll admit it. I used to smoke pot. And not just a little pot but I used to be quite the head. Maui Wowee. Farmer’s Friend. Baja Mama.  I smoked them all. In bulk. And then came the munchies. Or better yet – THE MUNCHIES! These were not your run of the mill little hungry…

After I Put Myself Out —

I have a group of friends who don’t consider you a real cook until you spectacularly injure yourself in the kitchen. Nicked yourself with a knife? Amateur! Blister? Wuss! Popped with hot grease? AWWWWW! Poor baby! But you still don’t qualify. Stick a knife through your hand? That’s more like it. Parboiled your foot? Oh,…

You Killed Bullwinkle!

Everyone has one. The recipe that stalks you like a serial killer. It’s the one you just can’t recreate no matter how much you try… It was already dark when my friends and I arrived at the campground in Pennsylvania. Spring had barely taken hold and the six of us started a fire to stay…

Oh, My! How Did You Get That Color?

Cooking takes instinct. And when instinct fails, skill should kick in. When skills fails…oh, well. I had gone to an event and got roped into staying for dinner. Normally, I avoid eating food cooked by people I don’t know but there was absolutely no way I could wriggle out of it so there I was…

Fishheads! Fishheads! Roly Poly Fishheads!

So! I decided to enter a cooking competition! And not just any cooking competition but the highest falutin one I knew – The Kingdom Arts and Sciences competition! So there! Phhbbpphhblllt! And I was gonna do it right. I was going to make garum! From Scratch! What is garum you ask? Are you some sort…

Sex and Food Just Don’t Mix

Sex and food can be an amazing combination. I mean, truly. There is nothing quite like sharing a piece of cake with your partner after a few hours of bliss. Ahhhhh. Then, there is my friend, Mark. Mark had everything. Handsome lover. Great job. Incredible condo on the beach. Amazing body. I was so damn…

A Microwave Can Solve Anything, Right?

 Have you ever had a meal that was so incredibly bad that you will never forget it? I have…oooooh yeah.  So bad we-went-out-for-Burger-King-afterword bad. It started off with such promise. I had been doing a lot of cooking for our local group when David and Tina decided they could do better.  They were actually kind of…

Just Push A Little Harder

I love sausage.  I really, really do. And, no, you sicko. I mean sausage as in a stuffed casing – not the other type. Um, I mean, I like that type, too, but— Where was I? Ah, sausage. Seriously, is there anything better on this planet than a warm Italian sausage fresh from the grill?…

Slip, Slidin’, Awayyyyyyyyyyy!

Catfish has never been my favorite food. I don’t know whether it is the texture or the greasy smell that you get when making it most of the time. And, let’s face it – it has to be deep fried or it never even approaches edible. Someone even tried to give me catfish sushi one…

A Little Pretension Goes A Long Way

I have seen quite a few kitchen mishaps in my time. Truly. Everything from cuts to bruises to burning hair to accidentally leaving bits of themselves in the food. But, that is a story for another time. Or maybe not. My Dad makes kick ass chili.  Just the right amount of spices. Kidney beans and…

The Buffet In Hell, Part the First

Talk about a shitstorm … YEESH! You ask one stupid question online and you get swarmed. All I asked is “What one food would you expect to find on the buffet in hell?” and you would not believe the flack! I expected the answers would be simple. You know, like lima beans or raw oysters,…