Why are people on trendy diets so goddamn smug?
Not that there’s anything wrong with being on a diet, mind you. I have done some of them myself – although my current waistline might disagree.
What is it about these yuppified diets that makes people want to brag that not only are they fat but gullible as well?
Let’s see a list:
The Mediterranean Diet.
What part of eat more tomato sauce and olive oil to the point that you actually smell like an old olive makes this attractive to people?
The “Clean Eating” Diet.
Eat as little processed food as possible because processed food make you poop slower. Yup. That’s about it. However, due to the fact that you may be avoiding food with nutrients that you require, you may actually be cleaning your way to malnutrition according to several medical experts.
Or – The Tea-Toxing Diet
Simple concept – Add exotic (read expensive) tea or tea based (read very expensive) pills to your diet to “detox” your body of hazardous chemicals, etc.
Why it fails miserably – those exotic teas usually contain very large quantities of caffeine which will both disrupt your sleep and make you pee enormous quantities of urine thereby disrupting the electrolytes in your bloodstream and can actually cause heart arrhythmia and dehydration.
Care for a cardiac with that overpriced chai?
But the one that has me the most irritated at its smug-ass followers is that creepy Paleo Diet.
Starts with a simple question: What would a caveman eat?
That I could deal with. Fresh meats and lots of vegetables.
But it has an absolutely terrible side effect.
It turns its followers into raging assholes who can’t stop bragging about how superior they are to everybody else.
Take the young man I ran into at the grocery this evening. He insisted on peering into the carts of those stuck in line around him and pontificating on the contents of their carts and how unhealthy they were.
“Candied orange slices?” the young ass stated while looking at the cart of the woman with the “unstable diabetic” sticker on her purse. “Those of us on the Paleo Diet treat our bodies better.”
“Do you really need that cheese?” he asked the admittedly hefty older man. “Our genetics aren’t made for cheese. The Paleo Diet tells us to avoid it.”
The conceited hipster clearly missed the sight of both the customer and the checkout clerk rolling their eyes.
That is when he made his mistake.
The manbunster looked in my cart and started to comment.
“Potato chips?” with that he began shaking his head.
“For those of us on the Paleo Diet -”
“Pardon me.” I interrupted. “I have a few questions about this Paleo Diet.”
“Well…” he seemed nonplussed.
“As I have both a degree in physical anthropology and a personal trainer’s certificate, I wonder where you are getting your scientific information.” I asked.
“Um, well, Bravo, of course.”
“The cable network?”
“Well, yes.” the boy was uncomfortable.
“While I might consider Kim Kardashian an expert on butt exercises, I hardly consider her a peer-reviewed expert on nutrition. Do you?” I queried.
Cornered, the boy quickly paid for his groceries and started to make his way to the exit. As he moved away, I spoke up.
“Oh, by the way, the Paleo Diet was what the cavemen ate, correct?”
“Oh, yes.” he said smugly.
“You know they’re all dead, right?”
And he was GONE!
NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!
Mike’s Special Green Onion Chip Dip
1/4 clove garlic
1/2 tbsp. Tellicherry peppercorns
8 oz cream cheese
1 1/2 cup sour cream
1 bunch green onions
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
1. Clean and chop the green onion and garlic.
2. Clean and chop the parsley and cilantro. You only need a little to add color and flavor.
3. Cream the cream cheese and the sour cream together.
4. Add the vinegar and whip.
5. Grind the pepper and add the spices to taste.
6. Whip in the green onions.
7. Serve and enjoy!
Copyright 2017 Micheal J Hobbs