This is a story of WAR.
Deep, dark no-holds-barred war.
Let me put it another way
Sometimes, you just feel pissy.
You just have to have a fight.
You know what I mean.
There are times when no matter what is going on you just have to rip someone a new one.
A barista wishes you to have a nice day?
Rip the fucker a new one!
And, when you have two guys together, it just gets worse. Guys like yelling anyway so when two guys have their testosterone up, anything can happen.
Take the Great Cookie Battle, for example.
My husband and I hate going to Costco together because we have very different shopping styles.
I know how to shop and he doesn’t.
I mean really! Who looks at power tools at Costco? I try to keep from rolling my eyes and after an hour, drag him to the gourmet food section.
After the first hour of perusing utensils and gourmet spices, I turned around and he was goddamn gone! Ten minutes of searching, I found him back in the power tools! Can you believe it?
We had gone to Costco one Saturday with our friend Jake when we both starting snarking at each other.
“Do you really need more tools?”
“Oh, right, just like you need another five pounds of gourmet pepper…”
“At least, I know how to cook.” I snarked
“At least, I know how to cut a straight line.” he riposted.
And, so it went.
Cookies go in the cart.
“Do you really need to buy those?”
Shorts go in the cart.
“Aren’t those a little tight?”
Frozen tikka masala.
“More Indian shit?” my hub queried.
“MORE wine?” I growled.
The giggling followed us around the store.
It continued at the checkout.
“400 bucks?” he said.
“We can spend money somewhere other than Home Depot, you know.” I responded.
“Not if you want the bathroom finished.” my hub growled.
At that, the lady at the checkout gave me a weird look and Jake burst into giggles again.
It got even worse in the truck as we loaded the food and Jake into the backseat and took off.
“Anybody hungry?” chimed in Jake.
“How about White Castle?” asked my hub.
“Gross.” I whined. “How about Burger King?”
“Fries, again?” groused my spouse. “Aren’t we fat enough?”
“Who are YOU calling —”
THAT IS WHEN A CAR PULLED OUT RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!!
Slamming on the brakes as hard as I could to avoid the idiot in the Kia, we were showered with cookies flying from the back seat and hitting the windshield.
“You need to learn how to fucking drive!” my hub shouted.
That did it. Grabbing a broken cookie, I winged it his way.
“How dare you?”
That was it.
WAR was declared.
Cookies started flying back and forth and out the windows. Jake lost all control and started belly laughing for all he was worth.
Pulling over, I got out of the truck and started to walk.
I heard the truck rev and, in a squeal of brakes, it roared away – cookies still flying out the windows.
Jake was still laughing as the truck disappeared.
NOW LET”S DO IT RIGHT!
White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies
1/2 Lb. White Chocolate, Chopped
1/2 lb. Macadamia Nuts, Chopped
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup molasses
Almond Extract, to taste
Vanilla Extract, to taste
1 stick unsalted butter
1 tbsp. Kosker flake salt
2-1/2 cups All-purpose Flour
1 teaspoon Baking Soda
1/2 cup shortening
In a bowl, sift together baking soda, 1/2 of the salt and flour.
In a large bowl mixer, add butter, shortening, sugars and molasses and fold together. Add the eggs and extracts and fold together.
Mix the flour mixture into the mixer and mix until smooth.
Mix in the nuts and chocolate and thoroughly mix. Chill.
Preheat over to 350.
Lay baking paper over a large baking pan.
Spoon out the cookie mixture onto the baking pans.
Lightly sprinkle with remaining salt.
Bake until golden.
Make three dozen.
Copyright Micheal.J.Hobbs 2017