Killer Coke?

Did I ever tell you about the time a Diet Coke tried to kill me?

Seriously!

I kid you not.

Actually, soda has tried to kill me a couple of times…True ‘dat!

The first time was a llewcookcouple of years ago.

I was driving
through the southern part of Indianapolis in my old Kia Spectra. Man, I loved that car. It was the first car I ever bought new and paid off entirely.

It was about three in the afternoon when I pulled into the drive through at a best-not-to-be-named burger joint when I ordered a burger, fries and  a large drink. I say this so that you know I was expecting a standard size drink.

What I got was Humongo-Cola! This Diet Coke was fit for Godzilla!

“isn’t this a little large?” I asked.

“That’s today’s special, hon. A liter drink with your food.” answered the cashier.

“But how am I supposed to carry that?”

“In your lap?” she said as she shoved my food at me and quickly shut the window.

A Kia is many things but overflowing with cupholders, it is not.

The one between the seats was too small.

The one in the door kept popping off the lid to the point that my knee got wet every time I hit  a bump.

I had to settle on the large cupholder attached to the dashboard between the two seats. The cup was so large that i could barely see over it to drive but drive I must.

I was turning off of Emerson onto Southeastern Avenue when it happened.

Without notice, the enormous Diet Coke slipped out of the drink holder and straight into my lap. Shocked by my suddenly freezing testicles, I took my eyes from the road for a second…

I swear it was just a second…

WHAM!

Airbags deployed and Diet Coke sprayed the entire interior of the car.

In the silence, I could swear I heard the ice in the cup laughing at me.

I had rear-ended a Chevy.

Needless to say, I got busy for a while…

Flash forward three months:

PEPSICO Will Rot In Hell!!!

They did it!

They actually did it!

They changed the formula for Diet Pepsi…

Blasphemy!

How dare they!

They took out the aspertame and added stevia. GROSS!!!

Fucking stevia!!!

They might as well have added nail polish remover for the effect it had on the taste.

That is when I decided to make my own carbonated beverages.

I had found a purported recipe for Coca Cola online and wanted to do my own variation on it. In a pot, I slowly mixed the ingredients and brought it all to a low boil.

It actually smelled more like shaving cream than it did soda but what the hell?

Tasting it – it wasn’t nearly sweet enough. Screw it. I doubled the amount of sugar.  It still wasn’t sweet enough, so I tripled the amount. It was a little thick but that did it.

I poured it into the bottles to ferment and carried them up to the attic.

Little did I know.

Three days later, I was in my study at home when I heard a sound above me in the attic.

It sounded like glass breaking.

Intrigued, I climbed the attic stairs into the steaming attic. It was the height of summer and the attic was an oven. I started to walk across to where the soda was stored when I stepped on glass.

Then, a bottle exploded!

And another!

And a third!

In a chain reaction, they all just went. Glass rained down on me a I cowered behind a box.

Finally, it stopped. My shirt was soaked with brown fluid and I smelled like an apple press.

But I tasted great!

 

Now Let’s Do It Right!

Home Made Cola

Cola extract, 3/4 ounce

Water, 10 quarts

Limes, 2 dozen

Vanilla Extract, 1/4 cup

Molasses sugar, 25 lbs.

Vodka, 2 cups

Orange extract, 1 tbsp

Cinnamon, fresh ground, 1 tsp.

Coriander, 1/2 tsp.

Nutmeg, 1 tsp.

Soda Water

  1. Place half the vodka, orange extract and dry spices in small pan and simmer over a low heat until completely dissolved.
  2. Zest the limes and seethe the zest in 1/2 of the vodka.
  3. Over a low heat in a large pan, add the water and sugar and dissolve.
  4. Juice the limes and add the juice to the sugar.
  5. Mix the cola extract and vanilla extract into the sugar mixture.
  6. Remove the sugar from heat and add the vodka mixture and limed mixture. Mix thoroughly.
  7. Can be stored in glass or plastic jars until ready to serve.
  8. Mix with soda water to your taste and serve.
  9. Enjoy!

 

 

COPYRIGHT 2016 Micheal J. Hobbs

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. So did you lick yourself to see how you tasted, or did someone else do it for you? Just curious. 😉

    Like

    1. Mike Hobbs says:

      I must admit I had to lick myself.

      Like

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