Soooooo…

My husband, Jim, was trying to make lemon balls for a Christmas party we were invited to and he ran out of mix so guess who got sent out for a box of mix?

Yup.

Me.

Or to ask it another way, guess who got sent out at 8 p.m. on Christmas Eve looking for a box of lemon bar mix?

Yup.

Me.

And guess what was the only place open at 8 p.m. on Christmas Eve?

Yup.

Walmart.

Who in their right mind goes to Walmart on Christmas Eve?

I don’t know about the “right mind” bit but yup.

Me.

So, I pulled into the Walmart lot and it was simply overrun with last minute shoppers. Cars were everywhere and the parking lot was packed. Last minutes shoppers were running in and out and the word “chaos” would be an understatement.

I was walking towards the main door when I noticed one of those extra-large-extended-cab-huger-than-anyone-could-possibly-need-but-I-am-going-to-buy-it-anyway-because-my-penis-is-so-small-and-I-need-to-compensate-for-it pickups oddly parked near the entrance. This truck was so ridiculous that the only thing missing was a pair of rubber testicles hanging from the trailer hitch.

This idiot was so badly parked that he had blocked all of the ramps needed for handicapped people to enter the store as well as parked at such an angle that he had taken up three of the handicapped parking spots. Oh, and, no, he did not have a handicapped parking tag.

In addition, he had left the tail end of his truck hanging out so far that he had also blocked half of the lane behind him. It was almost impossible for anyone to get past him and the idiot just plain did not care.

There was an older woman who could not get past his truck into the only remaining handicapped spot. I stepped out into the half lane and blocked traffic until she could swing into the spot. As she got out of the car, she thanked me.

“No thanks needed, Ma’am. But what moron parked like that?” I probably said a little louder than necessary.

“I’m the moron that parked like that!” came loudly from behind me.

And all noise stopped! Everyone in that parking lot had stopped to watch.

Turning in that utter silence, I saw a middle-aged redneck about my height wearing an orange baseball cap.

“And, if the fucking niggers can do so,” he continued,”so can I!”

You could have heard a pin drop in that parking lot.

Only one thing to say.

“Well, thank you for admitting to being a moron!” I answered.

He was certainly not expecting that response.

“Oh, and thank for admitting to being a racist!”

His face was taken aback as I plugged the biggest, goofiest smile imaginable on my face.

“And by the way,” I opened my arms big. “Merry Fucking Christmas!”

And the crowd erupted in applause!

That is when the redneck seemed to realize the crowd surrounding us was about 75% nonwhite.

His eyes opened wide in terror. Huffing, he jumped into that truck and roared off!

People started coming up to me wanting to shake my hand.

Even the cart handlers had to shake my hand.

Oh, the cashier picked up the cost of my lemon bars…

NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!!!

Lemon Bars

Ingredients:

1 large lemon

Cane sugar, 1 cup

Eggs, 2 extra large

Flour, 1/4 cup

Lemon juice, 1/4 cup

Secret Ingredient:

Butter, 1 large tablespoon