Somehow I allowed my husband to talk me into a Great Dane puppy.

Meet Zeus!

He is nine months old and now weighs 160 lbs.

AND…he thinks he is a lapdog.

This is a dog whose tail causes not only whiplash but also severe testicle tap as well. Oh, he can also turn on the garbage disposal and dishwasher with it.

I have come home to an endless stream of ripped up newspapers, popped plastic bags and snacked-on sneakers. Add to that the enormous numbers of destroyed stuffed animals, gnawed newel posts and chewed chairs and you have a recipe for a rather messy canine adolescence. My evenings have been spent cleaning up dog poop and trying to de-fluff the back yard.

You should have seen it the time he got a pillow.

POOF!

Feathers everywhere! Our back yard looked like Big Bird exploded.

So how does this become a bad food story? Let me explain.

This is more of a bad doggy dinner than a human repast.

As some of you know, I am in the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA) and enjoy cooking. A LOT! I am considered a minor expert in the subject and this brings both joys and a curse.

The joys are numerous. Free food. Exquisite treats. And, a LOT of alcohol.

The drawbacks are minor. A hangover once the while and the fact that people actually do consider you an expert on ALL medieval cooking.

So, when I go into the kitchen at an SCA event, I tend to “stealth”.

What does that mean? It means that I tend to lie low for a bit until the cook gets to know me before they meet MASTER LLEW! Therefore, I do not wear some huge medallion declaring who I am.

Besides, those honking huge medallions tend to get in the soup.

However, it is considered part of your role to wear some sort of insignia declaring your rank to honor those who gave it to you in the first place.

So, a bit of damned if you do – damned if you don’t.

My solution to all of this is to wear a small earclip with the insignia on it as I do not have pierced ears.

THAT is how this becomes a bad food story.

I had asked Gregory Bryant to make me a new small earclip as I did not have one for both Laurel and Pelican. Yeah, I know – brag brag brag.

I was packing to go to Pennsic (our largest gathering) when I put out all of the accessories on the bed to take. Included in this was the small felt pouch for the two earclips that I own along with a bunch of other stuff.

I was going through my mental checklist when I noticed the pouch was not where I had left it. Checking under the bed and in the corners of the bedroom, I found nothing. Hauling a couple of boxes out to the car, the Great Dane puppy kept bumping into me wanting to be petted.

That is when I saw it.

Part of the felt pouch was sticking out of his mouth!

Squealing, I went to grab it but he thought I was just playing and took off. Twenty minutes of shouting and chasing and huffing and puffing later, I had the bag.

Or what remained of it.

In other words, I had about a third of the bag in my hand and heaven only knows where the rest of it was. I began to frantically search the yard but found nothing. Nothing that is but a smiling Great Dane puppy wanting to know if I had any other treats.

Again, I checked the yard and the house and found nothing. At least WebVet was reassuring as it told me that as long as there were no sharp edges, I did not have to worry.

My husband just laughed as I hopped in the car and took off.

The puppy just smirked.
Post Script:

I happened to run into Gregory Bryant at Pennsic and he asked me how I liked the earclip. I had to tell him what had happened.

His response?

“I’ll just make you a new one.”

Post Post Script:

I found it.

All Things Must Pass…

NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!
Chicken Apple Dog Treats

5 lbs. boneless chicken meat

5 lbs. apples

1 quart maple syrup

1. Slice the chicken into strips approximately three inches long and 1 inch wide.
2. Also peel the apples and slice into strips approximately 3 inches long and 1 inch wide.
3. On a cookie sheet, please baking paper and put the strisp lying flat.
4. Heat the oven to the lowest “WARM” setting and allow the strips to dry overnight.
5. Next morning, soak the strips in the maple syrup.
6. Match an apple strip with a chicken strip and roll them.
7. Again, place on the lowest set and be sure to use baking paper.
8. Four hours should be enough to dry them thoroughly but use your own judgement.
9. They will keep for ninety days and are delicious but please save some for your dog!
10. Enjoy!

copyright M.J. Hobbs 2018