People in Philadelphia have VERY strong opinions about their cheesesteaks.

I have actually seen people decide not to date someone because of their cheesesteak choices. Seriously.

Geno’s has its defenders.

But then so does Jim’s Cheesesteaks.

And, of course, there is always Ishkabibble’s

But any one of them is a trap. A trap! I tell you.

So, I was on a date in Philadelphia and was walking through the “hip” part of town down South Street. Sandwiched in among the coffee shops and head shops and tattoo parlors were a number of cheesesteak shops.

I think the most popular was Geno’s. Everybody told me I had to go to Geno’s but none of them ever told me it would be like trying to find the lost ark to get through the line.

First of all, the place looked like an old Dairy Queen that had definitely seen better days.

Another thing is that people in Philly talk fast. They also mudged all of the words together and talk faster and faster particularly when they are upset becausethentheybegintoshoutatwarpspeed!

So, anyway, there I am trying to get through this line of grinning, shouting people when I finally get up to the counter.

“ORDER?” shouts the guy behind the counter.

I realized that I had barely looked at the menu while waiting in line.

“ORDER?” he shouted again.

“Umm. I think I want a number one.”

“FRIES?” he screamed.

“Yes.” I answered.

“WIDD OR WIDDOUT?” he screamed.

“What?” I asked.

“WIDD OR WIDDOUT?” he screamed again.

“Without what?”

“OUT A LINE, DUMBASS!”

“What?!?”

” MOVE, DUMBASS! NEXT!” he shouted.

Bewildered, I got bumped out of line by the shouting mass and still didn’t get my food.

That is when I noticed the stand directly across the street – Jim’s Cheesesteaks, Still hungry, I wandered over. The sign proclaimed “Number One Rated Cheesesteaks in Philly!” The signed also had a list of the other top five and Geno’s was prominently listed as number 2.

Still hungry, I joined the line at Jim’s and shuffled along.

Finally, coming to the counter, the man looked me up and down.

“WE DON’T SERVE NO GENO’S PEOPLE HERE!”

“He refused to serve me.”

“HE DID? DID HE? WHY?”

“What does “Widd or Widdout” mean?”

“WIDD OR WIDDOUT? ONION, OF COURSE!” the wary storekeeper shouted back.

“Onions?” I answered. “THAT SONOFABITCH!”

“AND?”

“WIDD!” I screamed.

I have never seen an order appear that fast.

“ON THE HOUSE!”

Oh, the guy behind the counter also gave me a free JIM’S CHEESESTEAKS jacket as long as I agreed to stand right in front of Geno’s and ate my dinner.

That was the best damn cheesesteak I have ever had.

NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!

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