Twinkies Really Are The Only Food That Will Survive Nuclear War!

There is a tremendous difference between food that is bad tasting and food that has gone bad.

I have a perfect example.

Let’s just say that Dayton, Ohio dodged a huge bio-weapon.


I was asked by a friend of mine to come and help clean out his cousin’s home who had passed away. Sure! I was glad to help.  Grabbing some trash bags and cleaning supplies I headed east.

My first clue were the three dumpsters lined up outside of the house. That’s right. Now one but THREE giant size dumpsters. And, another one arrived as I was parking.

YUUUUUUUUUP.  I had arrived at the home of a hoarder.

This place had to be seen to be believed.

I had watched shows about hoarders on TV but had somehow never actually met one. It is quite easy to wonder that while watching cat ladies on Discovery Channel or reading about someone crushed by every back copy of the National Enquirer ever published since 1950; however, it is quite another one to be confronted with the evidence of your own eyes.

The house looked normal from the outside. Two story bungalow with an attached garage. Yard was neat and well-maintained. Tulips and daffodils lined the walk up to the door. It was like something from “Ozzie and Harriet”.

Until the door opened…

Oh, My God! The place did not smell moldy. It smelled MOLDY! The kind of sinus-drying, eye-watering smell born out of the very depths of hell. I have been in old-growth rainforests that did not smell like that!

I tried to hold my breath as long as I could but it simply didn’t work. Gasping, I ran out the door and sat coughing in the verge.

“Here. Use this.” said a man standing beside of me in a baseball cap.  “Put a little under your nose. It will help.”

“This” was a jar of Vicks Vap-o-Rub. I noticed that everyone there had a little under their nose and it actually worked.

I reentered the home and was assigned to the kitchen.

“Please see if there’s anything that can be sent to a food pantry.” I was told.  This seemed like a tall order as the kitchen was jammed pack full.  And the kitchen was very artfully constructed.

I didn’t notice at first but the prior denizen of the home must have been an artist. I say this as I couldn’t help but notice the unusual way the kitchen was furnished. Stacked fast food cups were separated by color and size into ceiling high columns. The kitchen table was made out of giant cans of cling peaches covered with a board and the chairs were green beans topped with a cushion.

And not a single damn can was less than ten years old.

Piles of paper napkins were labelled and dated. Some were from chains I knew but a few were so old that I could not even identify the logo. Does anyone remember Burger Chef?  I had a whole stack of pristine napkins from them.

That is when I found it.

A golden castle perched among the clutter. Eight feet tall and probably twelve feet around. It shone through the clutter like the sun rising above the horizon. It was in a closet all by itself as though it were a shrine.

Turrets, gates and moats. Trees and bridges. Knights and fair maids. There was even a village complete with inn and blacksmith. It was an amazing work of art hidden in that maze.

Completely made of Twinkies.

Twinkies that were at least 20 years old according to the neatly stacked and labelled wrappers.

I kid thee not.

Note: Although they couldn’t take it, I did see a shellacked turret at the local food bank a few weeks later.




For the filling:

½ cup cream or milk

½ powdered sugar

½ stick butter

vanilla extract, to taste

½ tsp salt

3 tbsp flour


For the cakes

2 cups flour

Vanilla extract, to taste

1 tsp baking powder

1 stick butter

2 eggs

1 cup sugar


  1. For the cream, mix the milk and flour and whip until smooth.  Mix in the dry ingredients and whip into a froth then chill
  2. Preheat the oven to 350 F.
  3. Spray your pans with nonstick spray. You can also use a canoli pan if you wish.
  4. Whisk together the dry ingredients and then add the vanilla.
  5. Mix eggs and dry good into the vanilla mixture and beat until smooth.
  6. Bake until golden brown.
  7. With a party gun or spoon, fill the cakes with sugar mixture.
  8. Eat and enjoy.


COPYRIGHT 2016 Micheal J. Hobbs



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