Have you ever eaten something you truly regret eating?

Liver, of course, but I mean something supposedly actually edible.

I have had a lot of bad meals but none that I could truly say affected the universe around me in such a bad way as to call down the wrath of the gods until, well, last Friday.

A snowstorm was on the way so it was time to stock up on groceries in case we got snowed in. I was walking down the aisle labelled “Unique Treats” when I saw them.

“Barbecue Mushroom Jerky”…hmmm!

You can’t usually go wrong with mushrooms. And these were shitake mushrooms to boot!

Excellent!

And barbecued – even better! Can’t go wrong there!

And it was jerky! I do not know a single person on this planet who doesn’t love jerky…

The package said it was low cal and fit in my new diet!

And it was on sale! HALLELUJAH!

How could it get any better?

I should have known it was too good to be true.

Opening the package, I expected to be met with barbecue spicing. Imagine my thoughts when I smelled absolutely nothing. Not even a wisp of spice.

Kinda strange…

And, well, the pieces looked a little…odd… I had expected to see pieces of jerky. You know what I mean – kinda flat and long like bacon even if they were made from mushrooms.

These were not.

The puffs that came out of the package looked honestly like poorly popped popcorn kernels. And they were a sort of an off-white color – certainly nothing like the jerky color I was used to.

But, fortune favors the bold and I was starved so I popped a whole handful in my mouth and chewed away…

MUNCH…

Munch…

munch…..

snore….

Nothing.

When I say nothing, I mean absolutely positively NO flavor.

No barbecue.

No spice…

Even a complete lack of mushroom flavor…

I had expected a taste explosion but what I got was more akin to being sucked into a black hole.

As a matter of fact the best way that I can think of describing the flavor would probably be the way a vampire’s victim would describe their experience.

Simply put, the mushroom jerky left me feeling as though something had sucked any enjoyment of flavoring out of my body.

NEGATIVE flavor.

My life was worse for having eaten them. In a huge way.

At least, I can now say I have done penance in advance of a major sin.

Maybe now I can cheat on my diet?

NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!

MUSHROOM JERKY

Ingredients:

¼ cup soy sauce

1/8 cup extra virgin olive oil

¼ cup apple cider vinegar

I heaping tablespoon brown sugar

3 tablespoons cider vinegar

½ lb large portobellos

Mustard powder

Garlic powder

Paprika

1. Degill and de-stem the portobellos
2. Slice the mushrooms lengthwise
3. Mix the soy and the vinegar.
4. Add the sugar to dissolve and stir rapidly.
5. Add the oilive oil
6. Add the spices to taste.
7. Soak the mushroom slices in the mixture for approximately four hours.
8. Preheat the oven on low.
9. Place the mushroom slices on a cookie sheet and roast in the oven until firm (approximately 2 hours).
10. Allow to cool before serving.
11. Serves 8.
12. ENJOY!

Copyright 2022 M.J. Hobbs