By now, most of you have heard that the Food and Drug Administration and the CDC have asked all restaurants and groceries to throw out all romaine lettuce products due to the nationwide e. coli outbreak, right?
In short, the government says if you do not know where that leafy green pile came from, throw it out. It has been all over the news and everyone should have heard by now.
Or read it on the Internet.
OR seen the giant signs at the grocery.
If you eat the infected romaine, you will not have to worry about going on a diet because you will lose weight very quickly, anyway. Oh, and you will be spending a lot of time reading in the bathroom.
The warnings have been everywhere and I think the only person on Earth who does not know is probably some New Guinea tribesman whose cell signal keeps fading.
Vegetarians everywhere are weeping.
SO, how does this become a bad food story?
Let me tell you.
I was on my way home from the weekly SCA fighter practice on the west side of Indy when the hub pinged me to bring home dinner. Knowing he was complaining about a few extra pounds, I decided a salad or two would do us BOTH a world of good so I pulled into the Wendy’s on the way home.
There are a couple of cars ahead of me so I waited and crept up when I could.
THAT is when I saw the vehicle ahead of me literally bouncing. Through the rear window I can see the driver waving his hands and yelling – but he is not yelling at someone in the car.
He was screaming at the drive through ordering screen.
I rolled down the window and heard, “Waddya mean you don’t have any fucking salads?”
“FDA” CRACKLE “ban” CRACKLE was all I could hear but the meaning was clear.
I had also forgotten about the FDA warning but could deal with it.
Clearly, the guy ahead of me could not.
“I don’t care about some government bullshit! Give me my fucking salads!!!”, he screamed.
“Sir, please pull up to the window.”, came over the speaker.
“You better fucking believe I will!”, he shouted as he roared around the building.
I pulled up and waited.
“Can I help you?” inquired the speaker somewhat hesitantly.
I started to order when shouting and screaming and cursing came through the speaker.
“He’s coming through the window!”, was the last I heard and the speaker went dead.
“Hello?” I asked.
Nothing.
“Hello?” I asked a little louder.
Nothing.
“Hello?”
Nothing happened so I pulled around the building.
There was wonder boy sticking halfway out of his truck window and halfway through the drive through window screaming at the staff.
Knowing it might be important later, I took a picture of his license plate.
“Are you fucking telling me that you won’t serve me a goddamn salad?” the maniac roared!
“Sir, I must please ask you to calm down.” shouted the female manager who I noted was holding a large spatula in case she needed to use it to fend him off.
“What kind of Democratic, cocksucker, bullshit is this?” screamed the driver.
“Audrey, call the police!” yelled the manager.
“Police, my fucking ass! Fuck you!” roared the kale addict as he roared away almost taking off the front end of a Prius turning onto the street.
The entire staff looked stunned as I pulled up to the drive through.
“May I help you?” quietly piped the young woman at the window.
“I didn’t have a chance to order back there because…”
“No problem. What would you like?”
I ordered and started to reach for my wallet.
“That okay, sir.”
“Hmmm?” I queried.
“Just thank you for being normal. — Dinner’s on us”
NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!
Roman Salad Recipe
Ingredients:
Olive Oil, 1/4 cup
Fresh Mint, 1 cup
Fresh Coriander, 1/2 cup
Fresh Parsley, 1/2 cup
Goat Cheese, 1/4 lb.
Fresh Thyme, 1 large sprig
Leek, 1 small one
Salt, to taste
Pepper, to taste
Secret Ingredient:
Worcestershire Sauce, 1/2 cup
- Finely chop the mint and place aside.
- Finely chop the coriander, thyme and parsley.
- Rough chop the leek.
- Mix the balsamic vinegar with the mint and allow to seethe for ten minutes.
- Mix all of the greens and top with fresh ground salt and pepper to taste.
- Toss with the olive oil.
- Top with freshly grated goat cheese and serve.
- Serve four.
- ENJOY!
Copyright M.J. Hobbs 2018
My Life In Bad Food 