There are many foods that you would expect on the buffet in Hell but only one is sure to jump out from a darkened alley and attack.

You can smell it coming from a mile away.

The Lunchroom Horror!

Leafy Green Terror!

The Slime Monster!

RUNNNNNNNNN!

IT’S GODZILLA VERSUS —-

OKRA!!!!!!!!!!!

Tokyo is doomed!

Seriously, okra is cursed. One minute, it is this innocent looking pseudo asparagus, and the next, you are being served a bowl of creamed fried snot.

I know because it happened to me.

The first time I tried to cook okra was because an old roommate had left it on the fridge and I was hungry.

Actually, I was higher than a kite and had The Munchies.

“What is this?” I yelled to my roommate in the shower.

“Okra!” he yelled back.

“What’s that?”

“It’s Southern. My Mom dropped it off!”

“Can I eat it?” I shouted.

I could hear a chuckle.

“Be my guest! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

Warn me? About what? It was just a vegetable.

Little did I know.

Cleaning the okra, I cut off the extended stems. Whipping up a corn meal batter, I rolled the okra in it and then placed it in a pan of preheated butter and fried to a light crisp. It smelled great.

I grabbed a stalk and took a huge bite.

AND IMMEDIATELY SPIT THAT NASTY SHIT OUT!!!

I’ve been slimed!

Somehow, the okra had turned from a leafy green delicacy to a pile of stinking slug snot!

My mouth tasted as though a sea cucumber had puked in my mouth.

I tried rinsing with water but it didn’t work. Then soda – nothing. Finally, I tried vodka to get that coating of slime out of my mouth.

That did it but Hey! I was now buzzed AND drunk.

That is when my roommate finally came out of the shower. Once look around the kitchen told him all.

“I see you tried the okra.”

“Yeah…” I gasped.

“Welcome to Southern cooking, motherfucker!”

Asshole.

NOW LET’S DO IT RIGHT!!!
Llew’s Special Jambalaya

1. 3 tablespoons olive oil
2. 1 large white onion
3. 2 ounces minced garlic
4. 5 ounces sliced okra
5. 3 bell peppers
6. 4 large tomatoes
7. 1 bay leaf
8. filet powder
9. cayenne pepper
10. 1 lb. shrimp
11. 1 lb. andouille sausage
12. 1 lb boneless chicken
13. 3 cups rice
14. 1 quart beef or chicken stock
15. 3 stalks celery

And the secret ingredient is:

1/2 lb. Butter

1. Start by chopping all the vegetables and setting aside.
2. Melt the butter and fry the rice until golden brown.
3. Add the stock and cover until the rice is reconstituted.
4. Add the olive oil and meats and simmer until done.
5. Add the tomatoes until the sauce starts to thicken.
6. Add all of the veggies except for the okra.
7. Add spices to taste.
8. Write a letter to your loved ones as a precaution just in case, say an “Our Father” and THEN add the okra.
9. Cook until all vegetables are tender.
10. ENJOY! Serves 8.

Copyright M. Hobbs 2018